OF BIRTHDAYS, BBQ’S, HARVESTS AND HALLOWEEN.

Wow! The past week has been incredibly busy, but at least I can’t complain that I’ve been deprived of US culture. Or partying!

For starters, my daughter’s fourth birthday was Sunday. But that’s a deceptive statement, since the birthday celebration actually started last August when my family—in what is becoming an annual tradition—threw Inés a way, way early birthday party while we were in Chicago.

But party train hit full steam last week.

We had a birthday party for Inés’s friends and classmates on Thursday at the local kiddieland park. You know…it’s one of those storefronts in which 700 toddlers jump into a pit filled with 700,000 plastic balls and remain merrily submerged for 7-8 hours.

The only difference between US kiddie parks and Spanish ones is that the Spanish ones all have bars serving beer to the parents. No joke.


The next day (Friday), Inés had another birthday party with exactly the same kids attending—but this time, it was *in* school. Yes, Daddy dropped Inés off at school…along with an arm-load of grocery bags filled with pastries and juice boxes.

When Daddy picked-up Inés, she was wearing a large, cardboard crown and a even larger smile.

Then on Friday night, we were invited to a “Fall Harvest Festival” at an American-run, English-language, evangelical school a couple of towns over. Here’s where the American culture bit really kicked-in.

It was like stepping into Mayberry—only with much better weather. This Festival had everything that a homesick American boy could ask for. Bobbing for apples. Tractor-pulled hay rides through the moonlit corn fields. Face painting. Country line dancing (not for me, of course!). Apple pies. Pumpkin pies. And hot dogs and s’mores roasted over a campfire.

Do you know how long it’s been since I had last seen a God-damned marshmallow?! Let alone, setting one ablaze and stuffing the entire black-encrusted ball of molten napalm into my mouth. I almost wept with joy.

After the Fall Harvest Festival, I put Inés to bed and started cooking for Sunday’s Birthday BBQ.

Actually, that’s not true. I started cooking the previous Sunday, when I dusted off The Salivator and spent twelve hours smoking 11 lbs. of pulled pork—which I then froze, because I know that the art of smoking has no respect for tight deadlines.

But, anyway…on Friday night, I made the sauces—both a vinegar-based Carolina sauce and a tomato-based Kansas City sauce.

On Saturday night (again, after Inés went to bed), I made the salads—creamy coleslaw and a macaroni salad that nearly everybody on earth seems crazy about, except me.

Sunday morning was a whirl of activity. After weeks of waiting, I was finally able to give Inés her IKEA drafting table—which she put to good use by covering every square inch of it (and much of the floor) with masking tape.

Then, the manic cooking phase began.

Thawed pulled pork moistened with apple juice went into the 220ºF oven to gently warm. Beer went into the ice-filled cooler. Green beans, pimientos de padrón and bananas were tossed with olive oil, salt and pepper (and, in the case of the bananas, sprinkled with curry powder) and tossed onto the grill. Chicken thighs (for the kids) were brined in a salt and sugar solution and also grilled. And all the while…Inés appeared in the kitchen every seven minutes wanting my help stringing plastic beads onto pipe cleaners.

The guests arrived at 2pm—which was 50 minutes before I finished cooking. But still, that’s a much better on-time performance than I’ve exhibited in past BBQ’s.

We had two families over for the birthday BBQ. A British family whose son is in Inés’s class. And an American family from Pittsburgh that lives down the street.

The Americans are not only incredibly nice people and the closest thing that I have to a family over here—but they’ve also proven to be an invaluable source of peanut butter.

And thank God for the mother…who saved me from certain exhaustion by volunteering to bake the birthday cake. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles.


And then, just when I thought it was safe to rest…today was Halloween.

I’ve mentioned in past blog posts that Halloween is still a fledgling holiday here in Spain. But a Spanish family down the street seems hell-bent on changing that. They threw an incredibly ambitious, well-organized Halloween party this afternoon for all of the neighborhood kids (and for quite a few adults, also). Inés went as Superman. I went as Michael Myers.

After the party, the kids went trick or treating—which, judging by the perplexed-yet-horrified looks on the faces of seven out of every ten neighborhood homeowners, has not yet gained a foothold in the collective Spanish consciousness.

At least I was prepared. I had a bushel-basket full of chocolate chip and COCONUT granola bars sitting in my foyer.

And now that birthday and Halloween season is over, it really is time to rest. Inés is with her mother for the week. Thanksgiving is still a month away. And I’ve got 2/3 a bushel-basket full of chocolate chip and COCONUT granola bars vying for my attention.

BTW…does anybody want the chocolate chips?

THE MATHEMATICS OF CONTACT LENSES.

In a late-blooming effort to take slightly more care with my appearance, I bought contact lenses last June.

That, in and of itself, was an interesting experience. If the US is the country of “contact lenses in an hour,” then Spain apparently is the country of “contact lenses in three and a half weeks.”

But I’m not here to complain about that. I’m here to talk about mathematics.

I bought a six month supply of monthly-wear contact lenses. They’re called “monthly-wear” because you’re supposed to wear them for thirty days, toss them into the trash and then break-open a fresh pair.

It’s now nearly November. And as I was drinking my coffee this morning, I realized something startling.

I’m still wearing the *same* pair of contact lenses that I was wearing when I first left the optometrist’s office.

That’s right…my thirty day lenses have completed 150 days of service. And you know what? They’re still as comfortable today as they were on Day 1. I can’t feel them in my eyes as I type these words.

So, the mathematics problem for today is the following.

Is 30>150, as the marketers claim? Or—as my experience has shown—is 30=150? If the latter, then it seems to me that this monthly-wear thing is a bit of a scam.

I mean…Bausch & Lomb would have you believe that the damn things turn into locusts on Day 31.

And before I forget, let me make the most important point of all: COCONUT!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAV-OR-ITE THINGS.

The International Handbook of Bloggers’ Etiquette is clear on the matter.

If one blogger publishes a post of astounding cleverness, then another blogger shall direct his readers’ attention to the original post by means of a link. He shall NOT steal the clever post and re-publish it for his own selfish purposes.

This rule is especially true when the original blogger has, in fact, dedicated her astoundingly clever post to the other.

[Pause]

Ohhhhhhhhh, screw it!

Over the weekend, our friend Kath published an astoundingly clever video on her Blah, Blah, Blah Blog and dedicated it to me.

Indeed, it is precisely the video that I would’ve/could’ve/should’ve unearthed myself…were I not curled under the bedsheets wallowing in depression thanks to seven miserable days of non-stop rain here in Spain.

I am therefore pleased to re-publish it above for my own selfish purposes. Why? Because it features two of my four favorite things: Michael Palin…and COCONUT!

Lovely plummage, that COCONUT. Norwegian Blue.

A VISIT FROM THE IRISH COCONUT FAIRY.

The doorbell rang yesterday and there, again, was the smiling face of my DHL guy. He was holding two large boxes.

Anders?” was my first thought.

But that seemed unlikely, since my 2006 Oktoberfest care-package had already been received, devoured and the bottles recycled.

I signed for the delivery, brought the boxes upstairs and tore them open. They were, in fact, from my Irish friend, Kathleen (a.k.a., Lisa Marie).

And when I saw the contents, my head spun. My hands trembled. And my tongue? Well…let’s just say that “The Salivator” no longer applies just to my smoker.

And what, you may be wondering, were in these two boxes?

Well…one contained a plastic bag with six hundred (600!) Irish tea bags. That’s enough tea for three months!

The other box contained…COCONUT!!!

The most mind-blowing array of highly-processed, intensely-sugared vehicles for COCONUT that I had ever laid eyes on! It was absolutely stunning. This crazy Irish chick must’ve cleaned-out the entire COCONUT aisle at Tesco’s!

Here’s a precise inventory of my blessed booty:

COCONUT Bars: Crispy little wafers covered with milk chocolate and shredded COCONUT!

COCONUT Tarts: Imagine big, spongy, cakey, COCONUT-infused hockey pucks dusted with powdered sugar. Definitely a no-no before jogging…but I just can’t resist.

COCONUT Creams: A vanilla cookie, glued to a heaping mound of marshmallow and topped with shredded COCONUT. Kath was kind enough to buy a promotional package containing “5 Extra Biscuits Free.”

COCONUT Snowballs: Ohhhhhh, mama! Imagine an igloo of marshmallow, covered with milk chocolate and sprinkled with shredded COCONUT. No gratuitous cookie in this masterpiece. Just a mouthful of fluff, chocolate and COCONUT.

[In case you’re wondering, yes…I *am* eating each of these as I type. I’ll definitely need to vacuum my keyboard when this is over.]

COCONUT Macaroons: The Queen Mother of COCONUT cookies. Weighing approximately one kilo each…these are moist, mountainous, toasted-COCONUT cookies with a layer of dark chocolate across the bottom and stripes of dark-chocolate drizzled across the top. Kath, in her infinite foresight, sent me TWO packages of these!

COCONUT Bounty Bars (Minis): The two greatest US candy bars are Almond Joys and Mounds. But each have a flaw. Almond Joys are moist bars of COCONUT covered with milk chocolate, yet some marketing genius sabotaged the effort by tossing in an almond. Mounds, on the other hand, has no almond…but that same marketing bastard replaced milk chocolate with dark. But alas, Bounty Bars got it right—COCONUT, milk chocolate and no almond. But, Kath… “Minis?!!!” What on earth were you thinking?

COCONUT Polos: These are described as “Traditional golden COCONUT biscuits.” Mmmmm…imagine a flat, crunchy butter cookie larded with COCONUT! Undoubtedly, the preferred COCONUT cookie of Queen Elizabeth. And finally…

The Original COCONUT Quadratini: This is, quite simply, the classic multi-layered vanilla wafer and COCONUT cream cookie that we all ate (and some of us loved) as kids. You know…it’s that cookie with the cross-hatched pattern on the wafer.

Wow! Talk about the stuff of teenaged dreams. And do you know what’s the best part?

It’s Friday. I have an inventory of COCONUT cookies that resembles that government warehouse in the last scene of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And I have *six hundred* tea bags.

Yes, yes, yes…I have big plans for this weekend—and those plans don’t involve sleep.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE.

My unwavering love for COCONUT may be the strongest in the land; but it’s not exclusive.

COCONUT-fever is, in fact, sweeping through Europe—and signs of the epidemic have now appeared in the south of France.

The photo above is provided courtesy of our new friend and vampiress, Calamity Tat.

You can tell that she (and not I) is responsible, because this COCONUT is (a) female, and (b) flanked by a 150€/ounce bottle of Coco Chanel perfume…rather than a 10€/quart jug of Old Spice.

Impressive, indeed…and a most welcome addition to our ever-expanding COCONUT Hall of Fame. But, you may be wondering, what makes Tat a vampiress?

To the best of my knowledge and belief, she doesn’t drink human blood—although I remain suspicious as to what she uses as a thickener for Coq au Vin.

No…“vampire/vampiress” is my now-official term for any blogger who is too chicken to post a Profile photo.

And in this respect, my sidebar is full of vampires [cough, cough, cough…Trac]—although The Big Finn certainly isn’t one of them. 😉

So…c’mon vampires! Don’t be a Coq! Grab a glass of Vin, loosen-up…and then go grab that digital camera.

You’re all amongst friends. And believe me…none of us are getting any younger, thinner or better-looking.

Except for The Big Finn, of course.

HOW TO CONFUSE YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

Proving that I’m not the only nut hanging from the family tree, I received the following email from my mother a few days ago:

Hey Sal – I sent a bunch of your blogs to Nonnie & Grandma to read.  Grandma thought it was a Spanish Halloween custom to dress up COCONUTS in costumes.  Obviously your nuttiness comes from Dad’s side.

Ohhhhh boy! I can just imagine the stories that Grandma has been telling the other ladies during her weekly hairdresser’s appointment.

I don’t who is naughtier. Me for writing them, or my mother for sending them.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH.

Late last night (which, coincidentally, was Friday the thirteenth), our good friend Lisa left a Comment in the VTB Chat Lounge that had all the earmarks of a true-life horror movie.

She claimed that she once had a COCONUT in her kitchen, and…and…and…it exploded!

Well…my initial reaction was that this fantastic tale had nothing to do with the COCONUT next to Lisa’s kitchen stove…and everything to do with the mushrooms next to her Pink Floyd CD Box Set.

But being the investigative journalist that I am, I launched a quick Google search on the term “exploding COCONUT.”

And I’ll be damned! It has happened to others as well.

This changed the equation for me. I mean…having an exploding COCONUT do grievous harm to my body is one thing. But having one do grievous harm to my Italian-made Arrital kitchen cabinets is quite another.

So I broke-out the heavy machinery tonight and performed triple lobotomies on all four of my tasty little ticking time bombs. Three of them are roasting in the oven as I type these words.

The King, however, has NOT left the building. I’ve simply grown too fond of his sneer and mutton chops to even consider turning him into a chutney.

And besides, Trac would have my ass if I did.

So…does all this mean that my passion for COCONUT has ended?

Hell no! It’s just means that we’ll have to take [ahem!] prophylactic measures during future encounters.

Besides, nothing stimulates the passion quite like a little danger.

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