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Last week, I posted an open letter to the world’s Finns asking what the hell is a “Sauna Bar.” I saw one while walking through Madrid last week, and became titillated…er…I mean, suspicious.
I’ve since received the response below from my friends Hanna and Jussi in Helsinki. Yes, this is their actual response (with only minor grammatical editing on my part).
Hey there Sal the pal,
Jussi has some secret strategic connections which we cannot talk about publicly. These contacts have conducted, at his urging, a serious and deep investigation of this mystery place called “SAUNA BAR.” Here are the results of the investigation and the Finnish jury.
The background of this matter is somewhat similar to Russia’s top secret Space Projects…and to the US’s UFO project (which is supposed to be “Top Secret” but of course…everybody knows about NASA Field no. 51).
Anyway, the SAUNA BAR is a top secret Finnish governmental project that was established decades ago. The government’s goal was to develop a “Heaven for Finns”…and *only* for Finns. Why only for Finns? Because we didn’t think that other people would enjoy our version of Heaven (i.e., sitting in a sweatbox with a group of extremely quiet Finns…boring, no small talk or chit chat, etc.).
As result, scientists developed the SAUNA BAR as the place where Finns go after death. It is, quite simply, a sauna combined with a bar. In other words, it is a one-stop Heaven for Finns; as it would be too difficult for Finns to choose if there were 2 Heavens (i.e., one Heaven being a sauna, and the other Heaven being a Bar—we would simply never be able to decide where we want to end up after death).
Given the above explanation, your readers might be wondering what is “Hell for Finns.” We actually have two. One Hell is a Bar where you do not have cash and they do not take credit cards. The other Hell is a Sauna that is cold.
I hope these results of Jussi’s investigations help you with figuring out the SAUNA BAR mystery, and I hope that you are not very disappointed that they do not accept any non-Finns there.
Cheers,
Hanna (on behalf of Jussi and Hanna)
Helsinki, Finland
So there you have it. The mystery is solved.
I believe that Hanna’s and Jussi’s response is important for two reasons. First, it solves the Sauna Bar mystery. And second, it proves that the Finns—who are perceived to be a very quiet and serious people—are, in fact, bonkers to the core.
Vanha mies jolla on puujalka!
