{"id":148,"date":"2006-09-15T23:03:00","date_gmt":"2006-09-15T23:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=148"},"modified":"2006-09-15T23:03:00","modified_gmt":"2006-09-15T23:03:00","slug":"travels-with-lisa-marie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=148","title":{"rendered":"TRAVELS WITH LISA MARIE."},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There I was. <\/p>\n

Sitting in the back of a London taxi cab last night with Lisa Marie Presley.<\/p>\n

We were racing across town in the midst of a rainstorm, hoping to arrive at the restaurant before the maitre d\u2019 gave our table to another soggy tourist couple. Our taxi driver\u2014contrary to the myth surrounding \u201cThe Knowledge\u201d\u2014had never heard of the street on which Jamie Oliver\u2019s \u201cFifteen\u201d restaurant was located. <\/p>\n

Perhaps London cabbies need a little less Knowledge, and a little more Tom Tom GPS.<\/p>\n

We made it to the restaurant fifteen minutes late\u2014which, by Spanish standards, is fifteen minutes early\u2014and were seated at our table without fuss. The food at Fifteen, BTW, was fabulous\u2014each course being adorned with fresh mint leaves. <\/p>\n

Lamentably, not a single course was adourned with coconut<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Now, you may be wondering why I was hob-knobbing about London with the King of Rock & Roll\u2019s<\/a> daughter, eh? <\/p>\n

No…it\u2019s not what you think. I could never fill Michael Jackson\u2019s shoes. The truth is…Lisa Marie is, like me, a long-term employee of Acme Low Carb Tongue Depressors, Inc.\u2019s<\/a> Legal Department. And we were in town for a seminar entitled, \u201cManaging Legal Risk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Did you know that 14,000 deaths each year are caused by the improper use of tongue depressors? Well…yesterday we learned how to manage that legal risk: Print \u201cINSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH\u201d onto each tongue depressor. In both block letters *and* in Braille. That alone was worth the price of the plane ticket, don\u2019t you think?<\/p>\n

As is often the case with business travel, however, the journey wasn\u2019t all smooth.<\/p>\n

I left the seminar at 4pm. This, theoretically, should\u2019ve given me plenty of time to make my 7:50pm flight. I say \u201ctheoretically\u201d because my theory didn\u00b4t include one fundamental assumption\u2014that my Heathrow Express train from Paddington station would be indefinitely delayed because someone in the next station got clobbered by an on-coming Tube train. How inconsiderate some people can be!<\/p>\n

You can probably guess what happened next. All six million travellers on my Heathrow Express train picked up their bags and bolted to the taxi stand. As did Lisa Marie<\/a> and I (aka, Travellers #5,999,998 and 5,999,999). <\/p>\n

And, oh yeah….this all happened during rush hour.<\/p>\n

Heathrow Airport is only ten miles outside of London. That\u2019s an extremely comforting thought. Unless, of course, you\u2019re riding in a taxi cab that\u2019s cruising at only eight miles per hour.<\/p>\n

We arrived at Heathrow at 7pm. I managed to check my bags and collect my boarding pass fairly quickly and\u2014momentarily breathing a sigh of relief\u2014rounded the corner into the security zone.<\/p>\n

I say \u201cmomentarily\u201d because there, in the security zone, were at least 100 travellers waiting to pass through two\u2014TWO!!!\u2014metal detectors.<\/p>\n

It was a full 45 minutes before I found myself standing before a metal detector. To be honest, I\u2019m not sure why they let me pass. The signs clearly said that no liquids would be allowed on the airplane. And by that point, all the clothes that I was wearing were clearly liquid.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, my plane was delayed an hour and I arrived at my gate with twenty minutes to spare. <\/p>\n

My plane landed at Madrid\u2019s Barajas Airport at 12:15am. I arrived at the baggage claim area at 12:45am. And when do you think my bags finally appeared on the conveyor belt? <\/p>\n

1:45am. <\/p>\n

Apparently, all the baggage handlers were still eating dinner. Welcome to Spain<\/a>, God dammit!<\/p>\n

If my evening had a lone bright spot, it occurred when I pulled into my driveway at 2:45am and opened my mailbox. There, in a yellow envelope posted from England, was a gift from our good friend Euro Trac<\/a>. <\/p>\n

It was an Elvis Presley air freshener.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I dropped to my knees and\u2014weeping with joy\u2014tore open the plastic wrap and pressed the six inch cardboard figurine to my nose.<\/p>\n

I inhaled deeply and pondered the irony that this Elvis Presley air freshener smelled so strongly of flowers\u2014whereas Elvis himself smelled so strongly of B.O. and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.<\/p>\n

Or, at least, he did in the 1970\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Anyway…I hung Elvis from my car\u2019s rear view mirror and went straight to bed. One of the perqs of working from a home office is that you don\u2019t *really* need to get out of bed until one minute before working hours begin. And this morning, I cashed in that chip.<\/p>\n

I muddled through the workday as best I could and\u2014after logging off of my computer\u2014hopped into the car and drove to the grocery store. <\/p>\n

And I was stopped at a red light, something caught the corner of my eye. It was my Elvis air freshener dangling from mirror. Or, more specifically, the back of Elvis\u2019s right leg. There, printed across his thigh in block letters, was a message. <\/p>\n

\u201cINSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.\u201d<\/p>\n

That Lisa Marie! She\u2019s one helluva lawyer.<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There I was. Sitting in the back of a London taxi cab last night with Lisa Marie Presley. We were racing across town in the midst of a rainstorm, hoping to arrive at the restaurant before the maitre d\u2019 gave our table to another soggy tourist couple. Our taxi driver\u2014contrary to the myth surrounding \u201cThe … Continue reading TRAVELS WITH LISA MARIE.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-148","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p75qi3-2o","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":145,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=145","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":0},"title":"ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES LISA MARIE A DULL GIRL.","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"September 22, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"You all know that my colleague Lisa Marie and I were working hard in London last week. What you might not know, however, is that we took a little time to have some fun. What kind of fun? Well...if you REALLY want to know, then click HERE.It takes awhile to\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 7 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 7 comments","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=145#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":89,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=89","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":1},"title":"HERE’S MUD IN YOUR LONDON EYE.","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"January 23, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"It's January, and that means one thing: Acme Low Carb Tongue Depressors, Inc.'s annual EMEA Sales Conference.This year's edition wasn't in Scotland. It was in London; from where I've just returned.Pictured above is your Virtual Tapas Bartender and his [strictly platonic] friend, Lisa Marie, taking part in the Conference's most\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 9 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 9 comments","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=89#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=8","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":2},"title":"FIFTEEN INDISPUTABLE RULES OF DINING (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER).","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"January 22, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"One must never eat at: 1. Any restaurant that claims to be \u201cPan-Asian.\u201d 2. Any \u201cBistro\u201d that\u2019s not French. 3. Any \u201cTapas\u201d restaurant that\u2019s not Spanish. 4. Any \u201cGrill\u201d that\u2019s not a steakhouse. 5. Any restaurant that has a human first name and a gimmicky surname. (If you\u2019ve ever eaten\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 2 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 2 comments","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=8#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":146,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=146","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":3},"title":"GOOGLING THE COCONUT.","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"September 22, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"I'm saddened to report that there are 14,500 Google hits on the phrase \"Captain Coconut.\"But proud to report that only two hits arose from \"the amazing Captain Coconut.\" And both are attributed to our VTB.What does this mean? Nothing...except that the \"...Makes Lisa Marie a Dull Girl\" post above contained\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":125,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=125","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":4},"title":"FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH.","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"October 14, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Late last night (which, coincidentally, was Friday the thirteenth), our good friend Lisa left a Comment in the VTB Chat Lounge that had all the earmarks of a true-life horror movie.She claimed that she once had a COCONUT in her kitchen, and...and...and...it exploded!Well...my initial reaction was that this fantastic tale\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 17 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 17 comments","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=125#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":107,"url":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=107","url_meta":{"origin":148,"position":5},"title":"SILENCE OF THE LAMB.","author":"Sal DeTraglia","date":"November 19, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"I hate Sundays. I\u2019ve hated them throughout my entire life.I hated them as a kid, because it meant that my two sacred days of watching late night TV had ended. I hated them as an adult living in the US, because it meant that I had to return to work\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 21 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 21 comments","link":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/?p=107#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/148","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=148"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/148\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=148"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=148"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saldetraglia.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=148"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}