MILK THAT CRACKER!

Nabisco Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were my grandfather’s favorite snack.

Many nights before bed, he would grab a handful of the Crackers in his Andre the Giant-like hand, crush them into a bowl, pour in the milk, and snarf them down like a hungry bear emerging from hibernation. Hell, he even had a special bowl that he used–a tall, ivory-colored, heavy ceramic bowl with horizontal grooves that looked like an inverted albino beehive.

Grandpa was not alone. Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were ubiquitous and much loved throughout New England and upstate New York during the mid-twentieth century.

What do they taste like? Well…Royal Lunch Milk Crackers have, to my palate, a slightly sweet, malty flavor that, when swimming in a bowl of cold whole milk, tastes clean and refreshing yet filling.

Barely a minute into the milk bath, the Crackers would turn to mush. That’s not a bug. It’s a feature.

We, the kids, would usually have a bowl with my grandfather on many nights when we were together. This was the 1970s. On one occasion after eating all the Crackers in my bowl, I was about to toss the milk into the sink.

“Hey!” my grandfather yelled. “The gravy is the best part!”

My grandfather often claimed that anything I was about to toss into the trash–whether a hunk of gristle, a chicken bone, or a radioactive isotope–was “the best part.” That’s not a bug of my grandfather. It’s a feature.

The last time I tasted Royal Lunch Milk Crackers was 1986 when I was home for Winter break during my sophomore year of college. Some years later, Nabisco drastically cut back production and eventually discontinued the product line altogether. And I resigned myself to the sad reality that I’d probably never taste another bowl during my lifetime.

But recently, succumbing to a fit of boredom and nostalgia, I started Googling “Royal Lunch Milk Crackers” on my phone. Three unexpected items came to my attention.

First, a Canadian company called Heritage Mills makes Milk Crackers that reportedly taste very similar to Royal Lunch.

Second, Nabisco sold the rights to Royal Lunch Milk Crackers to a private group in 2007. That group is currently manufacturing them in…are you ready for this?…Cape Verde, a former Portuguese colony island off the western coast of Africa (FFS!).

Third, and most important, you can buy both Heritage Mills and the reincarnated Cape Verdean Royal Lunch Milk Crackers *today* from the New England-based website (and my nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize) www.famousfoods.com.

So I did what any good grandson would do. I bought twelve boxes of both. My conclusions?

Well…I am pleased to announce that both products taste like the Royal Lunch Milk Crackers that I remember. The “new” Royal Lunch are thicker and darker than Heritage Mills, a bit sweeter, and with a fuller flavor. Heritage Mills, while a bit blander, holds its crispness longer than Royal Lunch when doused with milk.

So…while the new Royal Lunch tastes more like the old Royal Lunch I grew up with, as far as I’m concerned both Heritage Mills and Royal Lunch are interchangeable–especially after a nice soaking in a bath of cold milk. I will fight 100 silverback gorillas for a bowl of either.

Despite my 100% correct assessment, there are people on the Internet bitching and moaning about Royal Lunch and Heritage Mills. Because, of course they are.

“Waaaaa, they’re awful!”

“Waaaaa, they’re just glorified unsalted Saltine crackers!”

“Waaaaa, they’re not like they used to be!”

Well guess what? My grandfather also used to complain that Royal Lunch Milk Crackers are “not like they used to be.” He was saying this in the 1970s!

And maybe he was right. I mean…I wasn’t born in the 1940s. Maybe they really *were* better back when Benny Goodman was on the Hit Parade. Maybe those Milk Crackers of bygone years were so much better that Nabisco, dishing out bowls of Milk Crackers to our breakfasting boys overseas before the D-Day invasion, played an outsized role in taking down Nazi Germany.

Maybe.

All I’m saying is that I ate so many Royal Lunch Milk Crackers during the 1970s and 80s that its flavor remains permanently burned into my brain, and I’m telling you folks that Heritage Mills tastes pretty much like, and the “new” Royal Lunch tastes very much like, the Milk Crackers that I remember.

So if you want to spend the rest of your days lamenting the loss of your beloved Milk Crackers, then knock yourself out and pour a bowl of Cheerios.

Just know that those beloved Crackers are, in fact, right there in front of your nose and can be delivered to your doorstep the day after tomorrow. If you’d just quit your bitching and moaning.

GIVE PIZZA A CHANCE.

I went to Naples, Italy in the early 2000s, and it was life changing. Until then, my experience with pizza was limited to the NY variety–with a bit of Utica Tomato Pie tossed in for good measure. But they don’t sell no stinkin’ NY pizza in Naples.

No, during that trip I pigged out on Neapolitan pizza. The soft, floppy pizza with light toppings that is eaten civilly with a fork and knife, rather than with your hands while strutting down the street. It was a revelation.

When I got home, I gathered some recipes and tried to replicate the pizzas that I had in Naples and continued to dream about. It was an epic fail. So epic, in fact, that I didn’t try again for nearly twenty years.

Then, in the late 20-teens, backyard pizza-making was revolutionized by the availability of reasonably-priced, portable, propane-powered pizza ovens like Ooni, Gozney, and the one that I have…the SoloStove Pi. These ovens, which heat up to and beyond 900F in 20-30 minutes, were total game-changers that solved the biggest problem with home pizza-making (i.e., kitchen ovens don’t get hot enough to make a proper pie).

With a SoloStove Pi parked prettily on my back patio, I resumed my long-delayed, Quixotic quest for Neapolitan pie perfection. I won’t bore you with the details of my subsequent tinkering, trials, and errors. No, I’ll get right to the point. Detailed below are my recipes for Neapolitan pizza dough and sauce, plus some other nuggets of advice that I acquired during the journey.

NEAPOLITAN PIZZA DOUGH (65% HYDRATION, FOUR 12″ PIZZAS)

The Ingredients

607 grams of 00 Flour (I use either Caputo’s blue or King Arthur)

9.2 grams of Active Dry Yeast (I use Fleischmann’s)

18 grams of Sea Salt

395 grams of luke warm Water

The Assembly

Step 1. Put flour, salt, and yeast in a food processor. Start the blade running, and slowly pour in the water.

Step 2. Let the dough process for 30-60 seconds. You can also do this using a KitchenAid mixer or your own two hands, but I find that a food processor works best and most quickly.

Step 3. Remove dough ball and knead it for another couple of minutes on a floured surface.

Step 4. Put dough in a greased bowl and cover with plastic wrap.

Step 5. Put covered dough into a refrigerator and let it sit/develop for 24-48 hours.

Step 6. Remove from fridge 4 hours before you are ready to cook. Divide into four equal portions (each should weigh approximately 250 grams). Form into four balls. If you have a plastic proofing box (which you can buy much cheaper at a local restaurant supply store than on Amazon), that is the ideal place to…ahem…put your balls. Otherwise, you can put each ball in an oiled cereal bowl covered with plastic wrap. You want the dough balls covered while rising, otherwise they will dry out.

Step 7. Let the four balls rise at room temperature or higher (at least 75F…a hot garage is even better) for four hours.

Step 8. When it’s time to cook, I shape each ball into a 12″ pizza on a floured surface. I use my fingertips and hands, NOT a rolling pin. My exact shaping technique is a story for another day, but you do you. You’ll want to keep a 1″ rim around the perimeter of the pizza (aka, the “cornicione”).

Step 9. Once the pizza dough is shaped to a perfect 12″ round, I lift and lay it onto a baking peel dusted generously with semolina flour. IMO, semolina works best. It doesn’t burn, it doesn’t taste gritty, and the pizza will slide right off when launched into the oven floor. Corn meal works well for sliding, but it burns and tastes very gritty. Regular flour just plain sucks. I am told that rice flour works well, but I’ve not tried it. Why would I? Semolina works perfectly. As for the peel itself, I use bamboo. I’ve tried wood peels. I’ve tried steel peels. I’ve tried teflon-coated steel peels with slots. Trust me, people. Bamboo peels work the best. I’ve not had a single launch fail since I bought my bamboo peel.

Step 10. Once the shaped 12″ round is on your semolina-dusted bamboo peel, you can add the sauce and toppings. A couple bits of advice. Less is more in the toppings world when making a Neapolitan pie. Go light on the sauce. Don’t overload the cheese and other toppings. Go especially light at the center of the pizza. Be careful not to get sauce on the peel, or your pizza will likely stick when you are trying to launch. Once my pizza is topped, I typically “finish” it with a grinding of black pepper, a sprinkling of Parmesan or Romano cheese, and a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Then it’s off to the oven.

PIZZA SAUCE

The Ingredients

14oz can of Whole Tomatoes, undrained (I don’t bother with San Marzano tomatoes, because I can’t tell the difference)

1/2 teaspoon of Salt

2 glugs of Thai or Vietnamese Fish Sauce (trust me on this)

Generous handful of basil leaves (fresh or frozen)

The Assembly

Step 1. Add ingredients to a bowl.

Step 2. Process until smooth. I use a hand blender for this.

Step 3. That’s it! No cooking required.

SOME MISCELLANEOUS TIPS

My pizza dough recipe listed above makes four 12″ pizzas, but it scales up or down easily and perfectly. For each additional pizza beyond the four, just increase each ingredient by 25%. If you want to make fewer than four pizzas, just decrease each ingredient by 25% per slashed pizza.

My pizza dough recipe also works as a same day recipe. Just don’t stick it in the fridge for 24-48 hours. Simple as that.

I have found that 65% hydration is the sweet spot. The dough is easy to work with and the pizzas turn out…well, just look at the photo above. I’ve tried 70%, 75%, yadda yadda yadda. Don’t like it. The dough becomes very sticky, it tears easily, it’s harder to launch…trust me, don’t go there. That said, the Internet is full of people advocating for insanely high hydration doughs and yes, they do make a more airy pizza. But, again, the downside trumps the upside. Also (and allow me to vent), I see photo after photo of ultra-high hydration pizzas that look more like souffles than something I’d present to my cousin Vinny. Give me a break. 65% is the standard in Naples, and what’s good enough for Naples is good enough for me and it should be good enough for you, Chad.

When cooking Neapolitan pies, I keep my pizza oven cranked up to high the entire time. Neapolitan pies are supposed to be cooked quickly (90 seconds to 2 minutes) on blazing hot heat (at least 900F). Once I’ve launched my pizza into the oven, I let it sit there for 30 seconds to puff up and firm up. Then, using a pizza spatula, I turn it 1/8 rotation every ten seconds or so. Be vigilant and keep turning. Pizzas can burn quickly in a 900F oven. It generally takes me approximately 2 full rotations to perfectly cook the pie. Keep a watchful eye.

NY pizzas are a whole nuther matter. I cook those at a lower temperature (I typically turn my SoloStove Pi burner knob to Medium or a bit below Medium after launching) for a longer period (perhaps 5 minutes).

My go to recipe for NY style pizza dough was developed by Kenji Lopez-Alt for the Serious Eats website. It’s great, although I prefer Neapolitan.

I’ve found that propane is the best fuel for pizza ovens. It gets hot, it gets hot quickly, and it doesn’t make a mess. My SoloStove Pi can use either propane or wood. I tried using wood once, and didn’t like it. It didn’t get as hot as propane, it required more wood every five minutes, it left black soot on the front of my oven that I needed to clean off, and (shockingly) I couldn’t taste a damn difference using wood vs. propane. So stick with propane.

Whether you choose SoloStove Pi, Ooni, or Gozney is up to you. They all work great. But if you want to shell out several grand for a true wood-burning brick oven in your backyard, then knock yourself out. I doubt you’ll use it much because it takes a long time to heat up, a long time to cool down, and is, in general, a large pain in the ass. But for some people, it’s very important that they impress their friends and neighbors. Just don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

To repeat what I said above, semolina flour is best for dusting your peel. A bamboo peel works best. You’ll need a turning spatula to rotate your pizza while baking.

And finally, keep at it. Making good pizzas is a learning curve. I’ve ruined plenty of pizzas during my journey. It happens. It happens much less now. But I learned something new with each failure. For that reason, I typically make enough dough for one extra pizza. You know, sort of a back-up contingency plan. And if I don’t screw up, then that extra pizza goes to a neighbor. My neighbors love me, and now you know why.

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