URUGUAYAN PARRILLA: MEAT DONE WELL…IF NOT WELL DONE.

The countries of Uruguay and Argentina eat more meat per capita than any other nation on Earth. Such dedication to the carnivorous cause is not only due to the quality of the main ingredient (although that certainly is a factor), but also to the way that those meats are prepared. Join me now me as we delve into the multi-sensory joys of the Uruguayan parrilla.

When an Uruguayan commits to an afternoon of meat sweats, whether at home or in a restaurant, that meal is likely to be prepared on a parrilla (pronounced, with Italianesque flair, as “pah-REE-juh”). This is the more rustic, and I would argue more manly, counterpart to the gas grills and charcoal kettles favored in the US.

An Uruguayan parrilla is a wide, open-air, wood-burning hearth lined with heat-refracting bricks. It will often, but not always, vent up through a chimney. If you live in Uruguay and own a house, odds are that there is a parrilla featured prominently in your backyard and patio.

On the left-hand side of the typical parrilla is the brasero, which is an elevated, wrought-iron fire box into which you load paper, kindling, and firewood. The bars of the brasero are spaced widely-enough apart to allow (a) ample air flow to fuel the fire, and (b) red-hot embers to break off and drop from the box onto the parrilla’s brick floor.

On the right-hand side of the parrilla is a large, wide cooking grate. The grate is often positioned at a sloped, 45 degree-ish angle, so that part of the cooking surface is closer to the parrilla floor and other parts are more elevated.

Those red-hot and/or ashed-over embers that fall from the brasero are then dragged under the cooking grate. This is where the cook’s skill and experience shine. He/she will accumulate a thick layer of embers under one section of the cooking grate for high-heat direct cooking and searing, a more meager layer of embers under another section of the grate for lower temperature roasting, and no embers at all in another section for “low and slow” indirect heat cooking.

The meat is then positioned onto and manipulated around the cooking grate. Thin pieces of meat may be cooked quickly and completely on the hottest part of the grate. Thicker hunks may start at high heat for a nice crusty sear, then move to a cooler part of the grate for slower, more gentle roasting until the desired level of doneness is achieved.

The result is a beautiful hunk of grass-fed animal flesh that fills your noggin with the intoxicating perfume of hardwood smoke as you chew each juicy morsel. It is this pervasive, all-encompassing essence of hardwood smoke that sets the meats cooked on an Uruguayan parrilla apart from those turned out by backyard Weber grill warriors in the US.

As for doneness, there are four main categories:

  1. Poco hecho (rare);
  2. Jugoso (medium-rare);
  3. A punto (médium); and
  4. Bien hecho (well-done and, Sir…don’t forget the ketchup, Sir).

Jugoso, for the win!

As for the meat itself, cow is king. Unlike the corn-fed beef that fattens-up and eventually kills corn-fed Americans, Uruguayans prefer grass-fed beef–which, they argue, is leaner, healthier, and tastes better. I don’t know about the first two claims, but I can vouch for the third.

The specific cuts of beef are somewhat different in both name and (to a lesser extent) form than what you’d expect from a US butcher. That’s a topic for a separate blog post that I’ll probably never write, but you can get the idea from the diagram below.

If you were to attend a parrilla-cooked meal at an Uruguayan’s home (as we did last month) or restaurant (as we did multiple times last month), you will start with some sausage–most likely, morcilla (aka, blood sausage, black pudding, or boudin noir) and chorizo (Argentine-style, not the nuclear orange, vinegary Mexican stuff that they toss with eggs). You’ll then segway into some fluffy, fatty, unctuous mollejas (aka, sweetbreads…aka, thymus gland)–which may be my favorite animal part of them all. Later, you might be served a thin cross-section of short rib (asado de tira), followed by a thicker cut such as Entrecot (ribeye) or tri-tip. There might even be a hunk of pig (perhaps a thick-cut pork shoulder steak) or lamb thrown in for good measure. All this will be accompanied by a bowl of Chimichurri, which acts as an herbaceous dipping sauce. Finally, dessert–which is likely to be something smeared with Dulce de Leche.

Dulce de Leche rivals Yerba Mate as heroin to the Uruguayan masses.

Maybe, if you are really lucky, the cook might offer some salad and grilled vegetables as penance. Otherwise, expect a side of fries.

And let’s not forget the wine. You know, for health reasons.

Uruguay has a thriving wine industry, even if most Americans have never tried any of its offerings. The Tannat grape reins supreme in carnivorous Uruguay, and it makes for a thick, robust, deep-red wine that’s every bit as good as Argentine Malbecs.

In my next blog post, I will describe how I’ve attempted to mimic the Uruguayan parrilla in my Texas backyard without shelling-out $3,000 to a stone mason. This may take me a few weeks, so be patient as I continue this noble experiment.

For now, however, I will close out this post with my recipe for Chimchurri. I typically eye-ball this preparation, so take the quantities listed below as more suggestions than gospel.

CHIMICHURRI

The Ingredients

Chopped fresh parsley, let’s say 1 cup

3 garlic cloves, minced or passed through a garlic press.

1 T of red pepper flakes

1/4 t of dried oregano

1-3 T of red wine or balsamic vinegar (I err to the vinegar-heavy side, because I friggin’ love vinegar)

1/4 – 1/2 c Extra virgin olive oil (you’ll need to judge the optimal consistency, but use the photo below as your benchmark)

Salt and pepper

The Assembly

  1. Mix all ingredients in a bowl.
  2. Taste, adjust, taste, adjust, blah blah blah, until perfect.
  3. Set aside for an hour or so to allow the flavors to meld.
  4. Serve with grilled meats and sausages as a dipping sauce. [Note: Drizzle Chimichurri onto a chorizo split lengthwise and served on a bun, and you’ve got yourself a “Choripan.” You’re welcome.]

Places for great parrilla in Montevideo, Uruguay include (a) Cabana Veronica (our favorite parrilla of them all); and (b) Estancia del Puerto (where Anthony Bourdain and his brother Christopher channeled their inner Henry VIII in No Reservations Season 4, Episode 14). Both restaurants are located in the the Mercado del Puerto in Montevideo’s old town section.

MILK THAT CRACKER!

Nabisco Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were my grandfather’s favorite snack.

Many nights before bed, he would grab a handful of the Crackers in his Andre the Giant-like hand, crush them into a bowl, pour in the milk, and snarf them down like a hungry bear emerging from hibernation. Hell, he even had a special bowl that he used–a tall, ivory-colored, heavy ceramic bowl with horizontal grooves that looked like an inverted albino beehive.

Grandpa was not alone. Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were ubiquitous and much loved throughout New England and upstate New York during the mid-twentieth century.

What do they taste like? Well…Royal Lunch Milk Crackers have, to my palate, a slightly sweet, malty flavor that, when swimming in a bowl of cold whole milk, tastes clean and refreshing yet filling.

Barely a minute into the milk bath, the Crackers would turn to mush. That’s not a bug. It’s a feature.

We, the kids, would usually have a bowl with my grandfather on many nights when we were together. This was the 1970s. On one occasion after eating all the Crackers in my bowl, I was about to toss the milk into the sink.

“Hey!” my grandfather yelled. “The gravy is the best part!”

My grandfather often claimed that anything I was about to toss into the trash–whether a hunk of gristle, a chicken bone, or a radioactive isotope–was “the best part.” That’s not a bug of my grandfather. It’s a feature.

The last time I tasted Royal Lunch Milk Crackers was 1986 when I was home for Winter break during my sophomore year of college. Some years later, Nabisco drastically cut back production and eventually discontinued the product line altogether. And I resigned myself to the sad reality that I’d probably never taste another bowl during my lifetime.

But recently, succumbing to a fit of boredom and nostalgia, I started Googling “Royal Lunch Milk Crackers” on my phone. Three unexpected items came to my attention.

First, a Canadian company called Heritage Mills makes Milk Crackers that reportedly taste very similar to Royal Lunch.

Second, Nabisco sold the rights to Royal Lunch Milk Crackers to a private group in 2007. That group is currently manufacturing them in…are you ready for this?…Cape Verde, a former Portuguese colony island off the western coast of Africa (FFS!).

Third, and most important, you can buy both Heritage Mills and the reincarnated Cape Verdean Royal Lunch Milk Crackers *today* from the New England-based website (and my nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize) www.famousfoods.com.

So I did what any good grandson would do. I bought twelve boxes of both. My conclusions?

Well…I am pleased to announce that both products taste like the Royal Lunch Milk Crackers that I remember. The “new” Royal Lunch are thicker and darker than Heritage Mills, a bit sweeter, and with a fuller flavor. Heritage Mills, while a bit blander, holds its crispness longer than Royal Lunch when doused with milk.

So…while the new Royal Lunch tastes more like the old Royal Lunch I grew up with, as far as I’m concerned both Heritage Mills and Royal Lunch are interchangeable–especially after a nice soaking in a bath of cold milk. I will fight 100 silverback gorillas for a bowl of either.

Despite my 100% correct assessment, there are people on the Internet bitching and moaning about Royal Lunch and Heritage Mills. Because, of course they are.

“Waaaaa, they’re awful!”

“Waaaaa, they’re just glorified unsalted Saltine crackers!”

“Waaaaa, they’re not like they used to be!”

Well guess what? My grandfather also used to complain that Royal Lunch Milk Crackers are “not like they used to be.” He was saying this in the 1970s!

And maybe he was right. I mean…I wasn’t born in the 1940s. Maybe they really *were* better back when Benny Goodman was on the Hit Parade. Maybe those Milk Crackers of bygone years were so much better that Nabisco, dishing out bowls of Milk Crackers to our breakfasting boys overseas before the D-Day invasion, played an outsized role in taking down Nazi Germany.

Maybe.

All I’m saying is that I ate so many Royal Lunch Milk Crackers during the 1970s and 80s that its flavor remains permanently burned into my brain, and I’m telling you folks that Heritage Mills tastes pretty much like, and the “new” Royal Lunch tastes very much like, the Milk Crackers that I remember.

So if you want to spend the rest of your days lamenting the loss of your beloved Milk Crackers, then knock yourself out and pour a bowl of Cheerios.

Just know that those beloved Crackers are, in fact, right there in front of your nose and can be delivered to your doorstep the day after tomorrow. If you’d just quit your bitching and moaning.

EVEN THE PUSTIES ARE BIGGER IN TEXAS.

I have joyous news for the three other Italian-Americans living in the state of Texas. There is a bakery in Dallas that–and I can’t believe I am typing these words–sells pusties.

Pusties! In Texas, FFS! I mean, it’s hard enough to get a good eggplant parm in Texas, let alone pusties.

Pusties, for those whose surnames do not end in a vowel, are custard-filled pastries found throughout the Italian province of Puglia (where my ancestors are from) and, more importantly, throughout my beloved hometown of Utica, NY.

I published my laboriously home-tested recipes for pusties here, and it has been far and away the most popular post I’ve ever written–although my Tomato Pie post is a close second.

The Dallas bakery that sells pusties (or “pasticciotto,” as it is formally called) is Palmieri Cafe.

As you can see from the photo, Palmieri’s pusties are the traditional oval shape found in Puglia, Italy–as opposed to the fluted tart shape favored by Utica’s bakeries.

#PROTIP: Pusty tins are available for purchase from my friends at NJ Flihan & Co. (hey David!).

I’ve not been to Palmieri myself yet, but my wife has and she reports that they are almost as good as those served by Utica, NY’s Florentine Pastry Shop–the bakery that, in my 100% correct opinion, makes the finest pusties on the planet.

She also said that Palmieri’s pusties are “obscenely large”–because, you know, everything is bigger in Texas.

BACCALA BALLS TO THE WALL.

I’ve written passionately (here and here) about my family’s annual Christmas Eve seafood-only blowout that we call “Fishmas” and others call “Feast of the Seven Fishes.” It’s an Italian-American ritual that has been observed and perpetuated by my family for decades longer than I’ve been alive.

I’ve even gone so far as to document photos of, and recipes for, our typical Fishmas courses because…you know…some day I’ll be dead.

While certain Fishmas courses–such as linguini with calamari, linguini with anchovy, and most importantly…fried smelts–are locked in permanent rotation, other courses have come, went, and/or evolved throughout the years.

This year, however, we went retro on one new course. Except that it wasn’t new at all.

Inspired by the fantastic movie “Feast of the Seven Fishes,” we made Baccala Balls.

Baccala (bacalao in Spanish, salt cod in English) was on my grandparents’ Fishmas table throughout the 40s, 50s, and 60s. They eventually cast it aside, however, because (#RealTalk!) it’s a pain in the ass to make. It’s called “salt cod” because (unsurprisingly) it’s cod preserved in salt. And the only way to get rid of the salt is to soak it in many changes of water.

How many changes? Nine. Nine changes of water over three days.

Well, let me tell ya…those water changes were worth the effort, because the Baccala Balls that we introduced this year were balls-to-the-wall awesome. Recipe and photos below.

THE INGREDIENTS

1 lbs. Baccala (salt cod) [Note: Available on-line or at your local H-Mart Korean superstore]

Panko bread crumbs

Eggs

Flour

1/4 c Mayo

1.5 t Old Bay or Cajun seasoning

Small handful of chopped fresh parsley

4 Scallions (minced)

Salt & pepper

Vegetable oil

THE ASSEMBLY

STEP 1: Place baccala in a pan or bowl. Cover with cold water and place in fridge.

STEP 2: Change the water at least three times per day for three days. This is required to rid the baccala of the preservative salt. Nobody likes salty fish…especially Uncle Tony with the high blood pressure.

STEP 3: After day 3, pull the flesh from the skin and bones and shred finely. I use a fork (or two) to do this step. Pick out any bones remaining within the flesh, so that you don’t require a Christmas Eve trip to Urgent Care.

STEP 4: In a large bowl, combine the shredded baccala, scallions, parsley, Old Bay (or Cajun) seasoning, mayo, and 4-5 T of Panko. Add salt and pepper to taste.

STEP 5: Add 1 egg, and fold into mixture.

STEP 6: Grab a bit of the baccala mixture, and roll into a ball with your hands. #ProTip: If you gently/slightly squash the ball with the palms of your hands, it will be easier to fry both sides evenly.

STEP 7: Set up two plates with a bowl in the middle. Fill plate on the left with flour. Fill middle bowl with beaten eggs. Fill plate on right with Panko bread crumbs seasoned with salt, pepper, and Old Bay (or Cajun) seasoning to taste.

STEP 8: Fill sauté pan with a couple inches of vegetable oil. Heat to frying temperature (i.e., pretty damn hot).

STEP 9: Dredge baccala ball in flour, then egg, then seasoned Panko. Gently place in oil. Fry until golden brown on one side, flip, then fry til golden brown on other side.

STEP 10: Place fried baccala balls on cooling rack or paper towel-lined plate. Taste and decide if it needs another sprinkling of salt. Serve as is, or with a dipping sauce (I like a chipotle-spiked remolade sauce).

Merry Fishmas, Charlie Brownavecchio!

Getting ready to soak the baccala.
Change that water nine times over three days.
Pull the flesh from the skin/bones and shred.
Mix it all up.
Add an egg and mix some more.
Roll them into balls.
Dredge in flour/egg/panko, then fry them up.

SAL’S MOREJO.

Most Americans are familiar with the chilled Spanish soup Gazpacho, even if most of them make it incorrectly. Yet few Americans have heard of Gazpacho’s more muscular (and far superior) brother, Salmorejo.

Salmorejo resembles Gazpacho in that its primary ingredient is garden fresh tomatoes. But whereas Gazpacho is a thin, refreshing liquid salad, one can think of Salmorejo as a thick, satisfying Gazpacho milkshake.

I first tasted Salmorejo in Granada, Spain and could think of nothing else for the rest of the trip. I mean, really…who gives shit about some stupid Moorish castle when you’ve just inhaled a bowl of the world’s finest chilled soup. It was clear that I either had to figure out how to make Salmorejo at home, or I had to move to Granada and take up busking in order to feed my new addiction.

Fortunately for me (and for all of you), I knew a very talented Spanish chef who shared her recipe. Salmorejo is an embarrassingly easy dish to make, but there are two really, really important things that you’ll need: Excellent tomatoes and an excellent blender.

[Editor’s Note: I have no idea why this photo won’t rotate, but hey…you’re getting all this comedy and culinary gold for free. Back off!]

THE INGREDIENTS

  • 150g Extra virgin olive oil (approx. 3/4 c)
  • 2-4 Garlic cloves
  • 1kg Tomatoes, cut into chunks. Preferably garden fresh or farmer’s market tomatoes; although cherry tomatoes from the grocery store work pretty well in a pinch.
  • 1t Salt
  • 150g Bread, cut into squares (approx. 5 slices)
  • 30g Sherry vinegar or balsamic vinegar (approx. 2T)
  • Garnishes: Chopped cucumber, proscuitto or jamon iberico, and hard-boiled eggs

THE ASSEMBLY

  • Step 1: Put garlic, tomatoes, salt, bread, and vinegar into a blender. The better the blender, the smoother the Salmorejo. I use a Vita-Mix. A Ninja will also do the trick.
  • Step 2: Run blender at high speed to puree the ingredients.
  • Step 3: While blender is running, pour in EVOO in a thin slow stream.
  • Step 4: If Salmorejo is perfectly smooth with no visible bits of tomato skin, move on to Step 5. If you can see some bits, then strain the Salmorejo through a food mill or fine sieve.
  • Step 5: Chill in the fridge for at least two hours.
  • Step 6: Serve chilled in a bowl or mug and garnish with cukes, jamon, and hard-boiled eggs.

ALL HAIL THE LIQUID PIG!

There comes a time in a man’s life when his tastes change. They mature. They evolve.

His love of beer evolves to Bourbon. His love of milk chocolate evolves to dark. His love of Pamela Anderson evolves to that MILF-y librarian checking out organic arugula at Whole Foods.

The same is true of broth.

Sure…we were all raised on chicken broth, and that’s a wonderful thing. But sooner or later, our tastes evolve and we want a hot bowl of liquid animal that doesn’t remind us of being home sick with a cold during junior high school. We want something more…mature.

We want pork broth.

Now…I don’t know about you, but neither my mother nor my grandmothers ever made pork broth when I was growing up. But, then, neither my mother nor my grandmothers were Japanese. So, I’ll give them a pass on that epic fail.

No such excuses for me. Armed with an 8 quart Instant Pot and $10 in my pocket, I set out to embrace my inner Pink Lady & Jeff and cobble together a pork broth recipe worthy of both Midnight Diner and Samurai Gourmet.

[Sorry, Kantaro…but I’m not a dessert person.]

I started with a reputable recipe for beef broth, swapping the beef bones for pork necks. It was good, but its flavor lacked depth. And its aroma did not make me swoon in the way that the scent of my favorite pho shops always do.

I kept tinkering. Fish sauce for umami. Oh, hell…a splash of soy sauce, too. Sugar for sweetness. Lemongrass, cinnamon sticks, star anise, and cloves for aromatics.

Did we nail it?

Well…to quote my wife, “This is the best fucking broth I’ve ever had in my life.”

THE INGREDIENTS

  • 3-3.5 lbs. pork necks (I buy mine at H-Mart, my local Asian market)
  • Lemongrass (5″ bottom of stalk, woody outer sheaths removed)
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 carrot, chopped
  • 1 celery rib, chopped
  • 3 T tomato paste
  • 1 t salt
  • 2 T sugar
  • 4 star anise
  • 4 cloves
  • 2 cinnamon sticks
  • 3 bay leaves
  • 2 T soy sauce
  • 1/3 c Thai or Vietnamese fish sauce (aka, “nam pla” (Thai) or “nuoc mam” (Vietnamese))
  • 3/4 c dry red wine (bring on the box!)
  • 3 quarts (i.e., 12 c) water
  • Vegetable oil

THE ASSEMBLY

  • STEP 1: Put pork necks in microwave-safe dish. Microwave for 10-12 minutes until browned. You’ll likely need to stir the necks midway through for more even browning. Set aside.
  • STEP 2: Set 8 quart Instant Pot (or similar multi-cooker) to “Saute.” Add oil and saute onions, carrots, celery, and lemongrass until softened (5 minutes).
  • STEP 3: Add tomato paste to sauteed vegetables and stir for 30 seconds.
  • STEP 4: Add red wine to Instant Pot and deglaze pan, scraping up browned bits.
  • STEP 5: Add pork necks, salt, sugar, star anise, cloves, cinnamon sticks, bay leaves, soy sauce, and fish sauce to Instant Pot.
  • STEP 6: Add 3 quarts (i.e., 12 cups) water to Instant Pot. If you are using a 6 quart Instant Pot, it won’t fit all 12 cups–so, just add enough water until it reaches the maximum fill line etched on the inner wall of the pot
  • STEP 7: Lock the lid into place. Set Instant Pot to “Pressure Cook”…”High Pressure”…one and a half hours. Let ‘er rip!
  • STEP 8: When an hour and a half of high pressure cooking is complete, quick release the pressure valve to let out all the steam. When pressure is fully released, unlock and remove the Instant Pot lid. Strain the solids from the broth.
  • And there you have it! For $10 worth of ingredients (pork necks are cheap!) and two hours of your life, you’ll have 3 quarts of the best tasting broth this side of the Bosphorus. Your family will love you for it, and your house will smell grrrrreat. ありがとうございました

ON THE SEVENTH COURSE OF FISHMAS…

ON THE FIRST course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Shrimp Cocktail with Remoulade

Step 1: Boil, cool, peel, chill shrimp.

Step 2: For Remoulade, combine the following ingredients in a bowl and stir: 3/4 c Mayo; 1t cider vinegar; 2t Dijon mustard; 2t whole grain mustard; 2t capers; 1t Louisiana hot sauce; chopped scallions; chopped cilantro; salt and pepper.

ON THE SECOND course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Lobster Rolls

[*Truth be told, we bought these from Goldbelly and had them shipped to our house. Don’t judge.]

ON THE THIRD course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Steamed Clams

Step 1: Rinse clams to remove grit. Toss out any that are open or have cracked shells.

Step 2: Steam 1-2 minutes until shells open. Serve as is, with melted butter, or with hot sauce. Toss out any clams that don’t open.

ON THE FOURTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Fried Smelts

Step 1: Using a very sharp paring knife, slit open the belly of headless/gutted smelt from [former] head to tail fin. Open the body so that this is flattened/butterflied. Run the knife tip down one side of the spine. Holding the knife blade on its side parallel to the opened/flattened smelt, slide it in a sawing motion under the head-side tip of the spine and continue down to the tail side. Lift spine from body and cut off at the tail fin. For 1 lbs. of smelt, this will be 30 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. But on the bright side, there will be no Christmas Eve trips to urgent care to have a pin bone extracted from your esophagus.

Step 2: Line up three bowls. One with flour, the second with beaten eggs, and the third with panko bread crumbs. Season the flour and panko with salt, pepper, and Old Bay.

Step 3: Heat canola oil (or other fat with a high smoke point…my mother uses Crisco) in shallow fryer or pan to 425F. Dredge smelt in flour, shake, then egg, then panko, shake.

Step 4: Insert smelt into hot oil and fry until golden brown on underside. Flip and repeat. I like to use wooden chopsticks for this step–but real men use their fingers.

Step 5: When perfectly fried, remove smelt from oil, lay on cookie/cake cooling rack (or paper towel-lined plate), and sprinkle with a wee bit of kosher salt.

ON THE FIFTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Linguini with Calamari Sauce

Step 1: Add 1/3 c. olive oil to sauce pan. Saute 1 thinly sliced onion until soft and translucent. Then add 6 anchovy filets for 30 seconds, then 3 minced garlic cloves for 30 seconds. Then, add one small can of tomato paste and fry until it darkens.

Step 2: Add 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes, 15oz can of tomato sauce, and 1 bay leaf. Stir and simmer for 30 minutes over low heat.

Step 3: Add 2 lbs cleaned squid body tubes (cut into rings) and tentacles. The more tentacles, the better. Simmer for additional 15 minutes. Stir in 1 c. chopped parsley or basil before serving. Makes enough sauce for 1 lbs. of linguini. Don’t forget the Parmesan or Romano cheese (it needs that extra dimension of flavor).

ON THE SIXTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Linguini with Garlic & Anchovy Sauce

Step 1: Add 1 c. olive oil to sauce pan, plus the oil from one tin of anchovies. Saute 8 minced garlic cloves and 1 tin of anchovies (minced) over medium heat. Be careful not to burn the garlic.

Step 2: Add 1 c. water (allow the oil to cool a bit before doing so, so that it doesn’t explode in your face) and simmer for 10 minutes. Season with salt (if needed) and black pepper. Add 1 c. chopped parsley before serving. Makes enough sauce for 1 lbs. of linguini. Don’t forget the Parmesan or Romano cheese.

ON THE SEVENTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Grilled Scallops

Step 1: Brush both sides of scallops with melted butter. Season with salt, pepper, and paprika.

Step 2: On hot charcoal or gas grill, sear scallops one minute per side (max). Don’t overcook, unless you like the texture of a pencil eraser.

ON THE EIGHTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Grilled Octopus

Step 1: #RealTalk! This is where we separate the men from the boys. Bring large pot of salted water to boil. Dip octopus into boiling water for one second then lift. Its tentacles will begin to curl. Dip two more times (they should be good and curly by now), then drop into water and reduce heat to low. Simmer for one hour. Remove and pat dry.

Step 2: Heat charcoal or gas grill. Toss poached octopus with olive oil, salt, and peppah! Grill octopus for one minute each side. When crisped on the grill, remove to cutting board.

Step 3: Cut tentacles and head into 2-3″ sections. Toss with a bit more olive oil/salt/pepper, squeeze of fresh lemon, and a handful of chopped parsley.

ON THE NINTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Salmon with Soy-Ginger Marinade

Step 1: Combine the following ingredients in a bowl: 1/3 c. soy sauce; 1/3 c. brown sugar; 1 T sesame oil; 3 cloves minced garlic; 1T minced ginger; red pepper flakes.

Step 2: Place side of salmon (we prefer Atlantic over Pacific) in large zip-lock bag. Pour in the marinade. Seal bag, and place in fridge overnight. Flip bag every now and then to distribute the marinade.

Step 3: Place salmon on parchment paper-covered baking sheet. Bake in 425F oven for 15 minutes (or grill the damn thing, if you prefer).

ON THE TENTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me…

Crab Claws

Step 1: Bring large pot of salted water to boil.

Step 2: Submerge crab claws in water and boil for 3 minutes.

Step 3: Remove crab claws, give them a good couple of cracks with a mallet, and serve with melted salted butter. Not so hard.

ON THE ELEVENTH course of Fishmas my goombah gave to me, THIS!

UPDATE (12/28/2020): Inspired by the fantastic movie “Feast of the Seven Fishes,” we added a new dish in 2020. Baccala Balls! They were awesome. Recipe and photos HERE.

TORTILLA ESPANOLA: THE “NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S” EDITION.

The word “tortilla” in Spanish of the Americas means a thin, starchy, floppy disc that keeps the contents of a 950 calorie burrito from exploding onto your lap. In Spain, however, it means something entirely different.

“Tortilla,” in the land of Cervantes, means a thick, Frittata-like, potato and egg omelette. It is, quite arguably, the greatest coupling of protein and carbohydrates since Five Guys’ bacon double cheeseburger with fries.

More so than Paella—which, although sophisticated and widely known, is really a regional (i.e., Valencian) dish—Tortilla Espanola is *the* national dish of Spain. Nearly every bar throughout the country will have a Tortilla Espanola sitting at room temperature on the counter—a hunk of which will likely be served as a tapa to accompany your glass of beer or wine.

But making Tortilla Espanola at home poses two challenges: (a) peeling, cutting, and frying the potatoes is tedious, messy, and time-consuming; and (b) getting the Tortilla’s center to cook through without scorching the surface is tricky.

But I’ve cracked both codes through research, trial, and error. Lots of error. And my now-perfected method is so quick and effortless that we often make Tortilla Espanola as a weeknight dinner—much to the delight of our children, both vegetarian and non-vegetarian…Spanish and non-Spanish.

So…what are the keys to my easy and fool-proof Tortilla? There are two: (a) use frozen French fries; and (b) start the Tortilla on the stovetop, but finish it in the oven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know. No Spanish grandmother would ever, in a million years, use frozen French fries to make a Tortilla Espanola. Then, again…no Spanish grandmother understands the difference between a private message and a Facebook post. Just sayin’.

Progress waits for no granny. So…vamos, chicos! Let’s make…

 

NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S TORTILLA ESPANOLA!
(As bastardized by a lazy-yet-talented, US-born, former expat)

Ingredients:
1 lbs. Frozen French fries
10 Eggs
1 Onion (sliced thinly)
2 Garlic cloves (minced)
Shredded cheese (Cheddar, Monterrey Jack, Queso Cotija, or whatever the hell you like)
Kosher Salt
Extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
10″ non-stick, oven-safe skillet

Step 1: Spread frozen fries in a single layer across cookie sheet and bake in oven til crisp and golden brown. 20-25 minutes (flipping once) at 450F usually does the trick, but check the baking instructions on the back of the bag. Sprinkle with salt and set aside.

Step 2: Crack eggs into a large bowl, sprinkle with salt, and whisk until combined and smooth.

Step 3: Add EVOO to skillet on stovetop at medium heat. When EVOO shimmers, add onions to skillet, sprinkle with salt, and saute til soft.

Step 4: Add garlic to softened onions and saute for thirty seconds more. Don’t burn the garlic. Burnt garlic tastes like mierda.

Step 5: Add the onions, garlic, fries, and a big handful of shredded cheese to the bowl with beaten eggs. Mix with a wooden spoon to combine evenly, hacking at the fries to break them up a bit.

Step 6: Add more EVOO to skillet on stovetop at medium heat. When EVOO shimmers, add egg mixture. Shake skillet briefly to even out egg mixture, and cook until bottom and sides just begin to set (perhaps 30-45 seconds).

Step 7: Transfer skillet into 450F oven. Bake on middle rack for 15 minutes.

Step 8: Remove skillet from oven. Don’t forget to wear an oven mitt, or you will experience Raiders of the Lost Ark déjà vu. Put a large plate on top of the skillet, flip, and lift skillet so that Tortilla sits on plate.

Step 9: Slide Tortilla onto a cooling rack. Let cool to room temperature. Some uncooked egg may drip to the countertop, but don’t worry. The center of the Tortilla will continue to cook and solidify as it rests.

Step 10: When cooled to room temperature-ish, cut Tortilla into wedges or squares (depending on your aesthetic sensibilities).

TORTILLA FLIP

Just to make this bastardization of a classic even more blasphemous, I like to eat it with a Salsa Brava dipping sauce made by mixing ketchup, mayo, and Sriracha sauce.

Grandma wouldn’t approve of that, either.

HITTING THE SAUCE.

My uncle vacationed in Italy a few years ago, and was disappointed with the food. He considered it bland compared to the “Italian” food to which he was accustomed in the US.

I wasn’t surprised by his conclusion. In fact, I think that the reasons behind it are pretty simple. My uncle is Italian-American, and he was eating in the land of Italian-Italians.

Contrary to what many in the US believe, Italian-Italians and Italian-Americans are different beasts. And it’s not just because the latter has a propensity to scratch their crotches in public venues. The differences go right down to the food.

Italian-Italians like their sauces to have clean, fresh flavors. Italian-Americans like them to have intense, meaty (and especially, porky) flavors.  Admittedly, I’m generalizing–but this has been my observation.

I’ve eaten in Italy many times, and I never encountered a sauce laden with meatballs, pork ribs, sausage, and beef hunks—in other words, the sauce on which my uncle and I were raised in Utica, NY.

No…nearly every tomato-based sauce that I’ve eaten in Italy tasted mainly of—hold onto your hats—TOMATO!

Sure, you can find sauces with additional flavorings tossed in (e.g., Bolognese with its ground beef, Puttanesca with its capers and spicy peppers, etc.), but these seem to be the exceptions rather than the norm.

So it’s a matter of apples and oranges. Personally, I’d be happy to eat a big bowl of either. But since not everyone is as flexible and open-minded as I am, I feel compelled to provide these folk with some sort of public service.

As such…I list below the recipe for my mother’s (and grandmother’s) classic, meat-heavy, Italian-American “Macaroni Sauce.” “Sunday Gravy,” if you’re from Chicago.

If you are Italian-American, planning a trip to Italy, and fear that your palate might be repulsed by the taste of an unadorned tomato, then you should pack a tub of this sauce in dry ice and wedge it into your suitcase.

Just don’t be scratching your crotch while standing in the TSA line.

OLIVA FAMILY’S MACARONI SAUCE

56 oz. Crushed Tomato
56 oz. Tomato Puree
24 oz. Tomato Paste
Salt & Pepper (to taste)
3-4 cloves of Garlic (crushed with side of knife and skins removed)
Water (no more than 28 oz.)
Olive oil
Red wine for deglazing (if needed)
1 lbs. Italian Sausage (recipe below, or store bought if you have a life outside the kitchen)
1 lbs. Pork “Country Ribs” or Pork Butt
1 lbs. Beef Chuck
1 lbs. Meatballs (recipe below, or store bought if you’re as lazy as I am)
1 lbs. Skirt Steak or Bracciole (optional, but it’s great if you aren’t a cheapskate like me)
Fresh Parsley and/or Basil (chopped)

Step 1:  Cut meat and sausage into chunks.  Combine meats and garlic cloves in large bowl or hotel pan.  Salt, pepper, and toss.

Step 2:  In a large sauté pan, fry meats  and garlic (in batches) in olive oil at medium-high heat until browned on all sides. Transfer browned batches of all meats  and garlic into large kettle (off heat).

Step 3: Add tomato paste to rendered fats and (stirring frequently) fry on medium heat until darkened, but not burned. Transfer fried tomato paste into the kettle with the meat and garlic. If any browned bits cling to the bottom of the sauté pan, then deglaze with red wine, reduce, and transfer to the kettle.

Step 4: Add crushed tomato, tomato puree, and water to kettle. Cook on low heat until the sauce gets hot, then simmer on lowest heat possible. Stir frequently, being very careful not to allow the sauce on the bottom of the pot to scorch or the meatballs to disintegrate.

Step 5: Continue to simmer.  Read a book.  Hell, write a book.  Talk to your spouse.  Just don’t forget to stir frequently. Your goal is to babysit that pot of sauce until all the meat to be tender and nearly falling apart. It sounds torturous, but the house will smell so good…you won’t want to leave.  Total simmering time (from start to finish) can be anywhere from 8 to 12 hours.  As my grandmother would say, “Just taste it.”

Step 6: When sauce is done, stir in the parsley (and/or basil).  Top with freshly grated Pecorino Romano or Parmeggiano Reggiano cheese when served.  Buy the good Italian stuff, not an ugly step-child from Wisconsin.  I also like a good sprinkling of red pepper flakes or a drizzle of chile-infused EVOO, because I am a spicy dude.

Note: If making sauce on the stovetop, my preference is to double this recipe  Seriously…if you’re going to trash an entire weekend making sauce, you might as well make a ton and freeze it in batches. It freezes very well, thank god.  Also, I place a diffuser under the pot while simmering to lessen the odds of scorching the sauce.

Note 2 and Life-changing #ProTip:  Did you know that you can skip 8-12 hours of babysitting a stovetop kettle by making this recipe in a slow cooker?  Yeah, it’s true.  You don’t even need to stir.  I can’t believe it took me this long to think of it.  Follow steps 1-4 as described above, BUT…instead of transferring the ingredients to a pot, transfer them to two (2) 6 quart slow cookers (or cut the recipe in half if using only one slow cooker…but seriously, just spend the extra $30 and buy a second slow cooker).  Set the slow cooker(s) to “Low,” then come back in 8 hours to finish the job at Step 6.

Note 3:  I tried to make this recipe (again, cutting it in half) in an Instant Pot–believing that 8 hours of simmering could be reduced to a mere 20 minutes under high pressure.  And it would have worked, if it weren’t for that meddling “Burn” warning.  Yes, sadly…the Instant Pot “Burn” function kept triggering before the sauce reached high pressure.  If anybody can figure out how to get the sauce to high pressure without triggering “Burn,” you’ll likely find a Nobel Prize under the tree next Christmas.  That said, if you have an old school/low-tech stovetop pressure cooker, give it a try and let me know if my hypothesis holds [pasta] water.  I’ll betcha it does.

NONNIE’S MEATBALLS

¾ lbs. Ground Beef
¾ lbs. Ground Pork
3-4 slices of Bread (soaked in water and squeezed)
1 Egg
Garlic (minced)
Fresh Parsley
Fresh Basil
Salt & Pepper
¼ cup Grated Cheese

Step 1: Mix ingredients.

Step 2: Roll into balls.

Step 3: Fry in olive oil until browned. Let cool on cooling rack or paper towel-lined plate.

Disclaimer:  I haven’t made homemade meatballs in years, much to my mother’s chagrin.  It’s just too much trouble.  I buy froze meatballs from the grocery store and fry them along with the other meats.  Honestly, I can’t tell the difference in the finished product and it saves me at least an hour’s worth of labor.

NONNIE’S ITALIAN SAUSAGE

4 lbs. Coarsely-ground pork butt (i.e., pork shoulder)
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons paprika
2 teaspoons fennel seed
2 tablespoons hot red pepper flakes (optional)
Sausage casings, soaked in water to soften and remove salt (optional)

Step 1. Mix pork and spices in a bowl.

Step 2. Cover and let sit overnight in the fridge.

Step 3. Stuff into casings.  How do you do that?  Look it up on YouTube.

Another Disclaimer: Steps 1 and 2 are pieces of cake. Step 3 is a bit of a pain.  Plus, it requires special equipment. To be honest, I almost always just buy a good quality Italian sausage from the market when making sauce.

BRACCIOLE

1-1.5 lbs. Round Steak (sliced thinly)
Fresh Parsley
Salt & Pepper
Garlic (minced and sautéed) or Garlic Powder
Grated Cheese
Kitchen Twine or Toothpicks

Step 1: Pound steak with mallet.

Step 2: Slice steak into strips (i.e., wider/longer strips for big bracciole; narrower/shorter strips for small bracciole).

Step 3: Sprinkle steak strips with salt, pepper, garlic (or garlic powder), parsley and cheese.

Step 4: Roll strips like a jelly roll, so that the seasonings are inside the roll. Tie with twine or spear with toothpicks, so that they won’t unroll.

Step 5: Fry in olive oil until browned.

Yet Another Disclaimer:  I rarely make bracciole.  Honestly, the above combo of ribs, chuck, meatballs, and (most importantly) sausage is more than sufficient.

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PERFECTING PUSTIES: UTICA’S MOST FRUSTRATING (YET WORTHWHILE) DESSERT.

If Tomate Pie is Utica, NY’s favorite entrée, then pusties are its superstar dessert.

Pusties (aka, pasticciotti) are little pastry tarts filled with custard and baked in a unique fluted tin. It’s a culinary jewel that is maddeningly difficult to find outside of upstate New York. It’s also maddeningly difficult to make at home—which may explain why 87% of all outbound flights from Syracuse Airport contain at least one box of pusties in the overhead bin.

I made up that last statistic, but wouldn’t be shocked if it were true.

You’re probably asking yourself, “What could be so hard about making a custard-filled pastry tart?” Well…several things.

First, the equipment. To make pusties, you need pustie tins. And you won’t find pustie tins in any Walmart.

Then, you need a good recipe. This is no small task. Most people that live in Utica don’t make pusties, because it’s easier to buy them at a local bakery. And most people outside of Utica don’t make pusties because…well, they’ve never heard of them. Much like the Amish, pustie culture tends not to venture far from the ol’ homestead.  So finding a decent recipe (i.e., one whose dough doesn’t crumble like a sand castle when touched with a rolling pin) involves either raiding somebody’s grandma’s file cabinet or playing Internet Russian Roulette.

Even with a good recipe in hand, the pustie-making process is laborious, time-consuming, and temperamental. Making the dough, making the custard, lining each tin with dough, filling each tin with custard, capping each tin with another layer of dough—it’s a multi-hour marathon, and that’s *with* helpers.

Then there’s the baking. This is the most frustrating part. Why? Because the top of the pusty is exposed to the oven’s heat…whereas the bottom and sides are shielded by the tin. This means, all too often, that your beautiful pustie—whose top looked so crisp and golden brown when you pulled it from the oven—emerges from the tin a doughy, undercooked tragedy.

Yet all these downsides pale in comparison to a pustie-celibate life. So my wife and I sacrificed many hours and hundreds of calories on a Quixotic quest to crack the pustie code.

And we think we’ve finally cracked it. The recipe is set forth below. If it kills your entire weekend, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

THE DOUGH

6 c All Purpose Flour
1 t Baking Powder
1 c Lard (broken, cut, or shaved into small pieces)
1 stick (i.e., ½ c) Unsalted Butter (broken, cut, or shaved into small pieces)
2/3 c Light or Dark Brown Sugar
2/3 cup Sugar
¼ c Honey
2 Eggs
½ c Water

STEP 1: In a large bowl, add baking powder, lard, butter, and 3 cups flour.

STEP 2: Mix together with your hands, as you would a pie crust.

STEP 3: Add sugars and mix further.

STEP 4: In a separate bowl, mix the eggs, water, and honey. Beat well.

STEP 5: Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients (i.e., the bowl containing the flour, baking powder, lard, and butter). Pour the egg mixture into the center and mix well with hands.

STEP 6: Continue adding flour ½ cup at a time and mix well until your reach the perfect consistency (i.e., not to sticky, yet not too dry/crumbly). You may or may not need all 6 cups of flour.

STEP 7: Knead for a few minutes, cover bowl with plastic wrap, and let rest in refrigerator for a few hours or overnight.

NOTE:  This makes enough dough for forty (40) pusties (assuming 3.5 inch diameter pusty tin).

THE CUSTARD
(IN THIS CASE, VANILLA)

2 c Whole Milk
1 c Heavy Cream
3 Large Eggs
2/3 c Sugar
3 T Cornstarch
2 t Vanilla Extract
¼ t Nutmeg (freshly grated)
⅛ t Table Salt

STEP 1: Heat milk and cream in medium saucepan over medium-low heat until steaming.  Be careful not to let it boil, or you’ll have a mess on your hands.

STEP 2: Whisk together eggs, sugar, cornstarch, vanilla, nutmeg, and salt in bowl.

STEP 3: Whisk steaming milk and cream into egg and cornstarch mixture in slow, steady stream.

STEP 4: Return egg and milk mixture to saucepan and cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly with wooden spoon and scraping bottom of pan.

STEP 5:  When custard begins to thicken and clump at the bottom of the saucepan, toss aside the wooden spoon and grab a whisk. Continue whisking the custard (breaking up the clumps at the bottom of the pan) until it thickens to the point that the whisk leaves a “trail” in the custard.  Or, stated another way, keep whisking until the custard is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon and you can draw a line through it with your finger. Be careful not to over-thicken.

STEP 6: Remove from heat, pour into a bowl or Cambro, and cool to room temperature.

NOTE: This will make enough custard for ten (10) pusties.

CUSTARD VARIATIONS

  • For chocolate custard, add ½ c cocao powder at Step 2 and omit nutmeg.  Full disclosure:  My father commented that he would like a bit more sugar in the chocolate custard.
  • For dark chocolate custard, add ½ c dark cocao powder at Step 2 and omit nutmeg.
  • For coconut pusties, just stir in a generous hand full of coconut at Step 6. Duh!
  • For almond custard, add 2 t almond extract at Step 2 and omit vanilla extract.
  • For lemon custard, add 1.5 T fresh lemon juice and 1.5 T grated lemon zest at Step 2 and omit nutmeg.
  • For orange custard, add 1.5 T fresh orange juice and 1.5 T grated orange zest at Step 2 and omit nutmeg.
  • For ketchup custard, add ½ c ketchup at Step 2 and omit nutmeg.  Just kidding, sort of.  Don’t be afraid to let your creativity fly. The pustie possibilities are endless…and man does not live on vanilla alone!

THE ASSEMBLY
Pustie Tins (you can buy these online from Flihan’s)
Pizza or Baking Stone
Rolling pin
Nonstick Spray (e.g., Pam)
Flour (for dusting work surface)
Egg yolks (beaten)
Pastry brush
Sugar (for sprinkling)

STEP 1: Place pizza stone on middle rack. Heat oven (and stone) at 500F for one hour. Seriously, let that stone heat for the full hour.

STEP 2: Meanwhile (as oven and stone are heating), spray pusty tins with non-stick spray. Do not flour the pustie tin, or my Uncle Sammy will kill you.

STEP 3: Break off little “meatball” of dough. On a lightly floured surface, use rolling pin to roll out dough into a thin round of 1/4 inch thickness.  #ProTip:  Alternatively, you can roll out a larger sheet of dough and cut out circles using a glass or bowl of the correct diameter (this method is faster than the meatball method, FWIW).

STEP 4: Place rolled-out dough round into pusty tin. Use thumbs to press dough into bottom and sides of the tin. Remove excess, overhanging dough.

STEP 5: Fill pustie with custard of choice.  #ProTip:  Don’t overfill it!  Leave a half inch or so of breathing room.  Both the custard and the dough will plump in the oven, so overfilling will cause the lid (described in Step 6 below) to crack and/or separate from the base.  That said…#ProTip:  Don’t underfill it either–or your guests will feel cheated.  (This is a persnickety recipe.  This is one of a thousand ways to screw it up.)

STEP 6: Roll out another little “meatball” of dough into a thin round. This will be the pustie’s “lid.”  Cover pustie top with lid of dough, crimp with fingers to seal, and remove excess, overhanging dough.  #ProTip:  Brush the rim of the pastie with water before topping with and crimping the lid.  This will help keep the lid from blowing open–yet another way to screw up this persnickety recipe.  My grandmother (i.e., “Nonnie“) would place a little “button” of dough in the center of each vanilla pustie’s lid, so that we could distinguish the vanilla ones from the chocolate.  Kids today would call that a “life hack.”

STEP 7: Brush top of pustie with beaten egg and sprinkle lightly with sugar.  Then, using a paring knife, poke a couple small slashes into the pustie’s lid so that steam can escape during baking.

STEP 8: Repeat Steps 3 through 7 until you’ve prepared enough pusties to fill a baking pan.

STEP 9:  When you’re ready to rock, lower the oven temperature to 450F and turn on the convection fan (assuming you have a convection oven).

STEP 10: Cover baking pan full of pusties with aluminum foil and place directly onto heated baking stone. #ProTip:  Spray the underside of the foil with Pam before covering pusties, otherwise it may stick to the lids–another of the thousand ways to screw up this persnickety recipe.  Bake for approximately 5 minutes.  Remove foil and bake for another 20 minutes (#ProTip:  Rotate the sheet 180 degrees after 10 minutes to ensure even browning), until the sides and bottoms of the pusties are golden brown.  Listen to me, people!  There’s nothing worse than a doughy, undercooked pustie. Well, actually…a hot dog baked into a chocolate brownie is worse. But you catch my drift. A lot of people screw up perfectly good pusties by removing them from the oven too soon.  We know this from experience.  You can’t judge a pustie’s doneness by the color of the lid.  The lid will brown well before the bottom and sides, so don’t freak out.  Those pusties need to stay in the oven until the bottom and sides are browned.

STEP 11: Let cool and remove from tins. Because, you know…you can’t eat the tins.

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As with all recipes on this website, this one will be subject to a continuous improvement process.  We’ll continue tinkering with this recipe until it becomes 100% idiot-proof.  Updates to the original post will be identified below.

We’d welcome critiques or suggestions for improvement from you, as well.

#CrowdSourcing Question (December 23, 2021):  Is the singular form of pusties (a) “pustie,” or (b) “pusty?”  Any Utica grandmothers out there with an opinion on this life or death question?  I hope the answer is (a), or I’ll have a lot of editing to do here.

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