Nabisco Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were my grandfather’s favorite snack.
Many nights before bed, he would grab a handful of the Crackers in his Andre the Giant-like hand, crush them into a bowl, pour in the milk, and snarf them down like a hungry bear emerging from hibernation. Hell, he even had a special bowl that he used–a tall, ivory-colored, heavy ceramic bowl with horizontal grooves that looked like an inverted albino beehive.
Grandpa was not alone. Royal Lunch Milk Crackers were ubiquitous and much loved throughout New England and upstate New York during the mid-twentieth century.
What do they taste like? Well…Royal Lunch Milk Crackers have, to my palate, a slightly sweet, malty flavor that, when swimming in a bowl of cold whole milk, tastes clean and refreshing yet filling.
Barely a minute into the milk bath, the Crackers would turn to mush. That’s not a bug. It’s a feature.
We, the kids, would usually have a bowl with my grandfather on many nights when we were together. This was the 1970s. On one occasion after eating all the Crackers in my bowl, I was about to toss the milk into the sink.
“Hey!” my grandfather yelled. “The gravy is the best part!”
My grandfather often claimed that anything I was about to toss into the trash–whether a hunk of gristle, a chicken bone, or a radioactive isotope–was “the best part.” That’s not a bug of my grandfather. It’s a feature.
The last time I tasted Royal Lunch Milk Crackers was 1986 when I was home for Winter break during my sophomore year of college. Some years later, Nabisco drastically cut back production and eventually discontinued the product line altogether. And I resigned myself to the sad reality that I’d probably never taste another bowl during my lifetime.
But recently, succumbing to a fit of boredom and nostalgia, I started Googling “Royal Lunch Milk Crackers” on my phone. Three unexpected items came to my attention.
First, a Canadian company called Heritage Mills makes Milk Crackers that reportedly taste very similar to Royal Lunch.
Second, Nabisco sold the rights to Royal Lunch Milk Crackers to a private group in 2007. That group is currently manufacturing them in…are you ready for this?…Cape Verde, a former Portuguese colony island off the western coast of Africa (FFS!).
Third, and most important, you can buy both Heritage Mills and the reincarnated Cape Verdean Royal Lunch Milk Crackers *today* from the New England-based website (and my nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize) www.famousfoods.com.
So I did what any good grandson would do. I bought twelve boxes of both. My conclusions?
Well…I am pleased to announce that both products taste like the Royal Lunch Milk Crackers that I remember. The “new” Royal Lunch are thicker and darker than Heritage Mills, a bit sweeter, and with a fuller flavor. Heritage Mills, while a bit blander, holds its crispness longer than Royal Lunch when doused with milk.
So…while the new Royal Lunch tastes more like the old Royal Lunch I grew up with, as far as I’m concerned both Heritage Mills and Royal Lunch are interchangeable–especially after a nice soaking in a bath of cold milk. I will fight 100 silverback gorillas for a bowl of either.
Despite my 100% correct assessment, there are people on the Internet bitching and moaning about Royal Lunch and Heritage Mills. Because, of course they are.
“Waaaaa, they’re awful!”
“Waaaaa, they’re just glorified unsalted Saltine crackers!”
“Waaaaa, they’re not like they used to be!”
Well guess what? My grandfather also used to complain that Royal Lunch Milk Crackers are “not like they used to be.” He was saying this in the 1970s!
And maybe he was right. I mean…I wasn’t born in the 1940s. Maybe they really *were* better back when Benny Goodman was on the Hit Parade. Maybe those Milk Crackers of bygone years were so much better that Nabisco, dishing out bowls of Milk Crackers to our breakfasting boys overseas before the D-Day invasion, played an outsized role in taking down Nazi Germany.
Maybe.
All I’m saying is that I ate so many Royal Lunch Milk Crackers during the 1970s and 80s that its flavor remains permanently burned into my brain, and I’m telling you folks that Heritage Mills tastes pretty much like, and the “new” Royal Lunch tastes very much like, the Milk Crackers that I remember.
So if you want to spend the rest of your days lamenting the loss of your beloved Milk Crackers, then knock yourself out and pour a bowl of Cheerios.
Just know that those beloved Crackers are, in fact, right there in front of your nose and can be delivered to your doorstep the day after tomorrow. If you’d just quit your bitching and moaning.
