My nephew/godson graduated high school last week and starts college in Wisconsin this Fall. I was unable to attend, because I live a thousand miles away. So I wrote him a congratulatory letter. While proofreading the letter, I thought to myself, “That’s pretty friggin’ good.” So, I’ve reproduced it below. I suppose there are some people out there who will read it and be offended by a few of its points. But that’s a “you” problem; not a “me” problem. Pour yourself an Old Milwaukee and move on.
Hello, [nephew’s name redacted to protect the innocent]:
Congratulations on graduating from high school. Although let’s be real. If you didn’t graduate high school, you’d be a bit of a loser whose life peaked when he got his driver’s license.
But no such concerns here. You did indeed graduate high school with good grades and, cherry on top of sundae, you are going to college.
But not just any college. You are going to college in Wisconsin.
Wisconsin has been one of my favorite states for many, many years. Not just because its drinking age was 19 when I was 19; although that was certainly a factor. But also because it’s impossible to have a not great time in Wisconsin.
Wisconsin has great cheeses. Ok, maybe not “great” cheeses, but they have a lot of pretty damn good cheeses—including a fantastic 12 year aged cheddar that I had at a cheese museum somewhere in southern Wisconsin 17 years ago that had crystals that crunched when bitten into.
Wisconsin also has great cocktails. Ok, maybe not “great” cocktails, but they have a lot of pretty damn good cocktails. The granddaddy of all Wisconsin cocktails is the Brandy Old Fashioned—which can range from great to awful depending on the tavern, but even an awful cocktail tastes better in Wisconsin because Wisconsin has been one of my favorite states for many, many years.
Wisconsin also has supper clubs. In this case, yes…great supper clubs that are also “great.” A Wisconsin supper club is an unmatched human experience. You will get a big hunk of meat. You will get a big iceberg salad with flavorless pink tomatoes served in a bowl that pretends to be made of wood. You will get a big beer, ideally Old Milwaukee, served in a big glass made of lumpy red plastic. And you will get fried pickles, which must be dipped into ranch dressing. All this culinary excellence will be served in a dining room with one or more, but usually all four, of the following characteristics:
- Dark wood paneling.
- Twinkling lights, usually Christmas lights.
- The preserved heads or skulls of dead large animals hanging on the walls. Plus, fish. Large dead fish (usually Muskies) hanging on the walls.
- The unmistakably musty smell of old people lingering heavily in the air.
Imagine the most kick-ass basement in the home of the drunkest guy in the neighborhood whose wife happens to be an excellent cook. That’s a Wisconsin supper club.
Wisconsin has the world’s finest root beer and orange cream soda. Both are made by Sprecher’s. It is the only soda I will drink. A Sprecher’s root beer after running a half-marathon in 85F heat is one of life’s finest pleasures. Right up there with sitting down in a supper club and ordering a Brandy Old Fashioned at 7pm on a Friday night.
Wisconsin has The International Clown Hall of Fame and Research Center. It is located in Baraboo. Spend an hour inside and you won’t sleep for a week.
It’s cold in Wisconsin. But it’s also cold in Illinois. But the cold in Wisconsin is better than the cold in Illinois, because it’s in Wisconsin and Wisconsin has been one of my favorite states for many, many years.
But your time in Wisconsin won’t be all supper clubs and Brandy Old Fashioneds because let’s be real. You’ll be broke. Although you will have enough money for a Sprecher’s root beer and some cheese every now and then. Just not 12 year aged cheddar. That’s stuff is expensive, and only college graduates are allowed to eat it.
But returning to the important point, you’re going to Wisconsin to study. So I am going to tell you the secret to getting good grades in college. It sounds simple, because it is simple. But you have to do it, otherwise it doesn’t work. You’ll be amazed at how many people don’t do it, but that’s called “Educational Darwinism” and their sloth is your gain. The three secrets to getting good grades in college are the following:
- Don’t cut class. Professors always give out information in class that is NOT in the textbook but IS on the exam.
- Do what your professor says. If she says, “Read chapter 6 before the next class,” then read chapter six before the next class. If he says, “Do homework problems #1, 3, 5, and 6 on page 113 of the textbook,” then do homework problems #1, 3, 5, and 6 on page 113 of the textbook.
- It’s better to study for exams a little bit per night for several nights before the exam, than to study for 5 straight hours the night before the exam. And don’t even, ever, so much as think about pulling an all-nighter before an exam, because that’s the stupidest fucking strategy in history that didn’t come from the meatloaf- and Diet Coke-soaked brain of Donald Trump.
You should also run fast when homework and classes allow. The running thing is fine and dandy, but you’re there to study.
So…have fun this Summer, then kick ass next Fall.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Xoxoxoxo,
Uncle Sal
