Spain – SAL DeTRAGLIA's VIRTUAL TAPAS BAR

SAL’S MOREJO.

Most Americans are familiar with the chilled Spanish soup Gazpacho, even if most of them make it incorrectly. Yet few Americans have heard of Gazpacho’s more muscular (and far superior) brother, Salmorejo.

Salmorejo resembles Gazpacho in that its primary ingredient is garden fresh tomatoes. But whereas Gazpacho is a thin, refreshing liquid salad, one can think of Salmorejo as a thick, satisfying Gazpacho milkshake.

I first tasted Salmorejo in Granada, Spain and could think of nothing else for the rest of the trip. I mean, really…who gives shit about some stupid Moorish castle when you’ve just inhaled a bowl of the world’s finest chilled soup. It was clear that I either had to figure out how to make Salmorejo at home, or I had to move to Granada and take up busking in order to feed my new addiction.

Fortunately for me (and for all of you), I knew a very talented Spanish chef who shared her recipe. Salmorejo is an embarrassingly easy dish to make, but there are two really, really important things that you’ll need: Excellent tomatoes and an excellent blender.

[Editor’s Note: I have no idea why this photo won’t rotate, but hey…you’re getting all this comedy and culinary gold for free. Back off!]

THE INGREDIENTS

150g Extra virgin olive oil (approx. 3/4 c)
2-4 Garlic cloves
1kg Tomatoes, cut into chunks. Preferably garden fresh or farmer’s market tomatoes; although cherry tomatoes from the grocery store work pretty well in a pinch.
1t Salt
150g Bread, cut into squares (approx. 5 slices)
30g Sherry vinegar or balsamic vinegar (approx. 2T)
Garnishes: Chopped cucumber, proscuitto or jamon iberico, and hard-boiled eggs

THE ASSEMBLY

Step 1: Put garlic, tomatoes, salt, bread, and vinegar into a blender. The better the blender, the smoother the Salmorejo. I use a Vita-Mix. A Ninja will also do the trick.
Step 2: Run blender at high speed to puree the ingredients.
Step 3: While blender is running, pour in EVOO in a thin slow stream.
Step 4: If Salmorejo is perfectly smooth with no visible bits of tomato skin, move on to Step 5. If you can see some bits, then strain the Salmorejo through a food mill or fine sieve.
Step 5: Chill in the fridge for at least two hours.
Step 6: Serve chilled in a bowl or mug and garnish with cukes, jamon, and hard-boiled eggs.

SPANISH DRIVER’S LICENSE EXAM: EL CONFIDENCIAL SHARES MY SHAME WITH A NEW GENERATION.

Although I don’t like to brag about it, I am the 78,456th most famous man in Spain.

So when the publication El Confidencial asked to interview me about the tortuous process of obtaining a Spanish driver’s license as an expat, how could I refuse them the “Sally D. Bump?!”

Besides, I had already written extensively on this topic in a 2004 blog post–which, I guess, makes me a leading authority on failing the exam.

You can read the El Confidencial article HERE. Check it out! You need to practice your Spanish.

TORTILLA ESPANOLA: THE “NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S” EDITION.

The word “tortilla” in Spanish of the Americas means a thin, starchy, floppy disc that keeps the contents of a 950 calorie burrito from exploding onto your lap. In Spain, however, it means something entirely different.

“Tortilla,” in the land of Cervantes, means a thick, Frittata-like, potato and egg omelette. It is, quite arguably, the greatest coupling of protein and carbohydrates since Five Guys’ bacon double cheeseburger with fries.

More so than Paella—which, although sophisticated and widely known, is really a regional (i.e., Valencian) dish—Tortilla Espanola is *the* national dish of Spain. Nearly every bar throughout the country will have a Tortilla Espanola sitting at room temperature on the counter—a hunk of which will likely be served as a tapa to accompany your glass of beer or wine.

But making Tortilla Espanola at home poses two challenges: (a) peeling, cutting, and frying the potatoes is tedious, messy, and time-consuming; and (b) getting the Tortilla’s center to cook through without scorching the surface is tricky.

But I’ve cracked both codes through research, trial, and error. Lots of error. And my now-perfected method is so quick and effortless that we often make Tortilla Espanola as a weeknight dinner—much to the delight of our children, both vegetarian and non-vegetarian…Spanish and non-Spanish.

So…what are the keys to my easy and fool-proof Tortilla? There are two: (a) use frozen French fries; and (b) start the Tortilla on the stovetop, but finish it in the oven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know. No Spanish grandmother would ever, in a million years, use frozen French fries to make a Tortilla Espanola. Then, again…no Spanish grandmother understands the difference between a private message and a Facebook post. Just sayin’.

Progress waits for no granny. So…vamos, chicos! Let’s make…

NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S TORTILLA ESPANOLA!
(As bastardized by a lazy-yet-talented, US-born, former expat)

Ingredients:
1 lbs. Frozen French fries
10 Eggs
1 Onion (sliced thinly)
2 Garlic cloves (minced)
Shredded cheese (Cheddar, Monterrey Jack, Queso Cotija, or whatever the hell you like)
Kosher Salt
Extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
10″ non-stick, oven-safe skillet

Step 1: Spread frozen fries in a single layer across cookie sheet and bake in oven til crisp and golden brown. 20-25 minutes (flipping once) at 450F usually does the trick, but check the baking instructions on the back of the bag. Sprinkle with salt and set aside.

Step 2: Crack eggs into a large bowl, sprinkle with salt, and whisk until combined and smooth.

Step 3: Add EVOO to skillet on stovetop at medium heat. When EVOO shimmers, add onions to skillet, sprinkle with salt, and saute til soft.

Step 4: Add garlic to softened onions and saute for thirty seconds more. Don’t burn the garlic. Burnt garlic tastes like mierda.

Step 5: Add the onions, garlic, fries, and a big handful of shredded cheese to the bowl with beaten eggs. Mix with a wooden spoon to combine evenly, hacking at the fries to break them up a bit.

Step 6: Add more EVOO to skillet on stovetop at medium heat. When EVOO shimmers, add egg mixture. Shake skillet briefly to even out egg mixture, and cook until bottom and sides just begin to set (perhaps 30-45 seconds).

Step 7: Transfer skillet into 450F oven. Bake on middle rack for 15 minutes.

Step 8: Remove skillet from oven. Don’t forget to wear an oven mitt, or you will experience Raiders of the Lost Ark déjà vu. Put a large plate on top of the skillet, flip, and lift skillet so that Tortilla sits on plate.

Step 9: Slide Tortilla onto a cooling rack. Let cool to room temperature. Some uncooked egg may drip to the countertop, but don’t worry. The center of the Tortilla will continue to cook and solidify as it rests.

Step 10: When cooled to room temperature-ish, cut Tortilla into wedges or squares (depending on your aesthetic sensibilities).

Just to make this bastardization of a classic even more blasphemous, I like to eat it with a Salsa Brava dipping sauce made by mixing ketchup, mayo, and Sriracha sauce.

Grandma wouldn’t approve of that, either.